Today marks 1 month since the day I quit my job in data governance. What even is data governance? Let's not get into that right now.. I wasn't sure whether to write this post, there are so many other 'quit my job' blogs and inspirational sites out there. But, I feel it is important to share this on here, as it plays a large part in shaping who I am as a creative person, and explains how I got started with this blog in the first place.
The reason I didn't post an immediate 'I quit today' entry last month is because 1) I thought this blog should only be about creating art and positive inspirational stuff and 2) really, I felt a little embarrassed as though I would be glamourising quitting. Quitting has negative notions of giving up, not being able to stick at something, and if that's the case, then I seem to be useless at sticking at a salaried job! I sometimes admire people who have had 1 job for their whole lives, they must have so much discipline.
Stop reading now if you though this post was going to be about art or an inspiring talk about quitting your own job, from here on it's going to get a bit dark.
Last December I quit my well-paid job in finance, with a nice commute, flexi-time and a generally nice working environment to pursue my dream of earning money from making art. How courageous, amazing, she's living the dream!
Well it wasn't all sunshine and roses. I'd been earning a modest sum of money through online art sales, but nothing that was going to guarantee me a proper income solely through art, but I knew I had to make the leap. It wasn't like I just woke up and decided to quit either, I had been mulling this over for months, looking at my finances, what my options could be, in fact I've probably always had one eye on the exit in every job I've worked in if I'm honest. I even tried to give my notice 3 times, that's how torn I was about leaving the place!
For anyone else, it would have been the perfect job, a good wage, good colleagues and a flexible workplace, but none of that was enough for me, I had a feeling inside that this just wasn't right. Eventually, I had to quit as this manifested itself into intense anxiety, I would constantly worry that I couldn't do my job, even when my boss said I was doing well. I would struggle to concentrate and I would often have panic attacks and feelings like I would faint. I managed to mask this at work, so on the surface it looked like I was doing great. But at home I would cry every evening or return home like a zombie and just sleep all night. This was affecting my relationship with my partner, my ability to be creative, how could I make anything in my free time when all I was doing was sleeping or crying? The worst part was it also severely dented my confidence. I felt unable to go out and visit friends, I worried that I wouldn't be able to talk to them or would have nothing to say and became nervous all the time. All classic anxiety symptoms. In the end, persuaded by my partner, I went to see my GP who gave me beta-blockers so I could get through the day at work and referred me for a 'Stress' workshop...
A couple of months of medications and a few 'stress' sessions later, I realised no amount of 'relaxation' practice or coping mechanisms were going to help me switch off from work at home or get to a point where I didn't feel tense constantly whilst at work. Plus did I really want to have to take a tablet before every daily meeting I felt anxious about? I needed to accept that corporate life just does not work for me. I might have the intellectual capacity, but mentally my body cannot cope, it just gets stuck in 'panic' mode.
So here we are 1 month on, and I'm finally listening to my gut and trying to pursue something I actually care about, expressing myself through printmaking and book binding, and hoping others get some joy or a shared understanding from my work.
December was crazy, I had loads of orders and sales at Christmas fairs and this really boosted my confidence. I knew January would be quiet, and that the main thing I need to work on is creating a 'range' or body of work to approach shops and exhibitions. But, that doesn't mean I don't still doubt myself.
I'm constantly questioning whether I've done the right thing, whether I'm being selfish and should just go back to a 'normal' job, but luckily for me, I have a secret superpower which I shouldn't waste. My partner. He is the most supportive person I know, he has more belief in me than I do! He knows when I'm panicking and has the strength to tell me to 'just get on with it.' I'm never going to move off the bottom of any career if I don't keep going and work at perfecting my drawing, my printmaking, my photography skills. The only way I can do this is by 'getting on with it.'
So that's my goal for 2014, get stuck in, make mistakes, learn, the main thing is to just make something! Hopefully out of all of the making, some pieces will stand out and form a cohesive collection, and then I'll be getting somewhere.
